TARGET IS EVIL! Read my Target horror story.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Strip Poker Championship

In recent news, a man is organizing a strip poker championship. The prize for winning will be a golden fig leaf and some cash. The interesting part of the championship will be seeing how many women actually enter. The article aslo says nothing about looks or weight restrictions. This is an event that I probably wouldn't watch if I were you......

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Death Penalty Hurts?

In recent news, all executions in Missouri are on hold because of evidence that suggests inmates feel pain when they are killed.

The story directly focuses on one individual that raped and murdered a Kansas City school girl in 1989. It is definitely not fair to make him feel pain for his actions because I'm sure the girl that he raped and killed didn't feel a thing either.

If we truly do not wish inmates on death row to feel any pain, why not just drug them up first? Besides, it's not like we give the death penalty to criminals that haven't inflicted any pain on others.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Stop Being Fat People

This article talks about people being too fat to recieve some medical care. America's obesity problems extend further than just medical care and potential medical problems. Fat people who refuse to buy two plane tickets make it an uncomfortable trip for people who get stuck sitting by them plus the most important issue: my poor eyes.

If I go to the beach, I don't want to see some fat chick roaming around eating stuff. I want to see hot chicks in bikinis rubbing tanning lotion on each other. It is my right as a human being not to have to puke when I go to the beach or swimming pool. So here is my message: If you are a porker, go on a diet and start exercising. If you are a hot chick, go to the beach and rub tanning lotion on your hot friends.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

It's the American Dream, Stupid.

Clinton (Hillary) has said that Bush has made a mess out of the country's finances in this article. She is modifying her husbands famous 1992 campaign slogan "It's the economy, stupid" to "It's the American Dream, stupid."

When asked to comment, Bill Clinton said "I said that? It's pretty funny, I am glad I said that." as he put down his hooka and looked back up and said "What? I'm not inhaling!" Former Vice President and former Presedential Candidate Al Gore said "The American Dream is not slowly cooking our planet and living the rest of our days in a hell on earth!" as he donned a sign that said The end is near! and stood on a street corner in New York City shouting to local residents.

Mrs. Clinton is a potential candidate in the next Presidential Election. When asked about his wife's potential Presidency, Bill said "Sweet, I get to be the first first man. I won't really have to do anything more than I did while I was in office..........Man I have the munchies..."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Tiger Wins his 11th Major

In recent news, Tiger Woods won his 11th major this weekend. After struggling after the loss his father, Woods finally quieted critics who thought Woods would be unable to recover from the tradegy and would never catch Jack Nicklaus.

The real story from the British open was this man throwing purple flour bombs onto the course as Woods was about to chip. The man was heard shouting "Fathers for justice" which is a campaign for paternal rights in child custody cases.

Why were the "Fathers for Justice" trying to stop Woods from overcoming the loss of his father to win the British Open? The only obvious answer is to try to prove that everyone needs their fathers to do anything. By winning the Open without his father around anymore, Woods proved that he won based on his talent and that his other 10 major wins can't be credited to his fathers presence. This is a tremendous blow to "Fathers for Justice" because it may even go as far as showing that Michael Jordan's greatness diminishing didn't have anything to do with his father's passing either.

The Father's of all the top athlete's must now beware. "Fathers for Justice" will try to assasinate them if their children's careers start slipping so they can take credit for the downward spiral. Sleep with one eye open....

Friday, July 21, 2006

You're under arrest.......Where did my Handcuffs go?

In recent news, a female New Zealand police officer was cautioned to quit her second a prostitute. In her defense, prostitution has been legal in New Zealand since 2003 but the New Zealand Police Department still felt the conduct was inapropriate for an officer of the law.

Police Cheif Serge Beatnick said "She overcharged me........Ummm....I mean that an officer of the law should follow much more stringent moral guidelines." When asked to commment the woman was quoted as saying "I don't see the big deal, I gave police officers a discount."

Fellow officers weren't the only beneficiaries of her second job. Carl Smooth said "I got pulled over for speeding and the next thing you know we were both in the backseat of her police car. It wasn't any more expensive than the ticet would have been. I think her second job is great."

Maybe New Zealand needs an entire fleet of these prosti-cops to punish the wicked with immoral gratification.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Will Barbaro make it?

In recent news, Barbaro has been pretty good for six straight days now. Barbaro shattered his right hind leg back in may and also has laminitis in his left hind leg. Americans all over are traumatized by the incident.

Bookie Bobby "The Weasle" Levinski said "Screw that damn horse, he cost me more than I care to admit." Barbaro's doctor say the signs are encouraging but the road to recovery could be a long one. Dog Food Guru Johnie Ruff said "I hope Barbaro dies, it's great for our business to be able to add such a fine speciman into our dog food mix. They could even use his hooves to make some glue. I would imagine that glue would be very marketable."

Horse racing fans in the south seem to be taking Barbaro's injuries the hardest. New Orleans resident Pete Shambles said "I lost my house, some family members, and sustained severe injuries during the hurricane and some horse gets better medical attention than me and my fellow Hurricane victims. Yeah, I'm REALLY torn about some horse getting hurt."

As you have now seen, many people care about Barbaro and are hoping for a complete recovery. Let's just hope he doesn't take a turn for the worse any time soon.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Electra and Navarro Split

Here is a new rule for celebrity marraiges: Don't put your married life on television or it will end in divorce.

We all saw how Jessica Simpson's marraige did after having a few seasons on TV. The beautiful airhead and her singing husbund were divorced. I guess even good looks can't make a marraige last........duh. Well in recent news, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro have now split after they also did a reality marraige show called "Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave." This one may not have been quite as shocking as the Simpson-Lachey split, but reinforces the "No TV Rule" for marraiges. Brittney and Kevin are next. They may take a little longer to split since there are children involved but divorce is inevitible after doing "Chaotic." Plus Kfed is one of the most annoying morons on TV followed very closely by his babies mamma.

Monday, July 17, 2006

YouTube is leading online video views

In recent news, YouTube serves 100 million videos daily online. YouTube is one of the few places you can go and find video clips of just about any subject you want. A YouTube user, Bob DingleFinklerowski said "It's pretty cool, I always go check out porn.....I mean old sports clips and you really can find any one you want. Just the other day I watched clips from Super Hoe.....I mean Super Bowl 3."

YouTube is a small company consisting of 30 employees (loser porn addicts).

Monday, July 03, 2006

Smuggling Drugs into Space

I saw this headline in the news today: Crack found in foam on shuttle.

I decided this was a story that was much too important to read and I needed to comment on it ASAP! Well it seems to me that NASA is getting their hands dirty in the drug smuggling industry. They are supplying Crack to aliens. This helps explain things like UFO sightings. The aliens are way to doped up to be driving their shuttles and nearly run into the earth! NASA needs to stop this before the aliens actually crash into a city.