TARGET IS EVIL! Read my Target horror story.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Osama wants Zarqawi's body

In recent news, Bin Laden wants al-Zarqawi's body released. Here's a good idea!! Let's say "sure, come and get it, we'll put it on the White House lawn." Then wait for him to come and get it and snatch his mountain hiding behind up and throw him in jail.

Bin Laden, a terrorist, was pretty good friends with Zarqawi. When they used to go clubbing, Zarqawi was always Osama's wing man. There are even several rumors that the two were more than friends if you know what I mean. One informant said that Osama is a necropheliac and he seems to think that is why Osama wants the body back.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Britain Denies UFO Sitings

In recent news the British Ministry of Defense released a report stating three decades of UFO sitings were bogus.

This report has done little to stop UFO groupies from beleiving in life outside our planet. Eric Cartman said "I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye." Mr. Cartman is the only one that knows a thing or two about aliens. This site is dedicated to alien and UFO pictures. There are many of these sites around the internet, but no one really knows if there are aliens and where the come from.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Michael Jackson overhauls business

In recent news, Michael Jackson is back! Children all over the world are thrilled or maybe they were scared but either way they are paying attention.

When asked about the allegations, Jackson replied "I going to just beat it, I'm not bad, these allegations are off the wall." People are curious if Jackson's next album will have what it takes in the world of pop today. His critics think his music is too old for the current pop generation. When asked about this, Jackson replied "We still got it because We are the world, this album is going to be a thriller and maybe even a little dangerous."

Jackson has always worked to help children. Other famous people even recognize this. "Michael has a heightened sensitivity for the crying needs of this world. Through his 'Heal The World Foundation', he works to preserve this planet's most precious resources- children, and the environment. He feels much of the same responsibility a parent feels- his children are all of our children. Michael brings so much to so many, he is one of the world's most precious resources himself."--Steven Spielberg

Why does Jackson work so hard to preserve this planet's children? Well I think it's pretty obvious so I'm not even going to say it......

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


This article says that several suspects charged with conspiracy to bomb the Sears Tower in Chicago were entrapped by a federal informant. The only fair thing to do is let them all go. Who cares that they were going to bomb the Sears Tower, they were tricked into admitting it so let them go.

Criminals that are entrapped by law enforcement should all be let go. It's not their fault that they got tricked into getting caught, if they wouldn't have gotten entrapped and pulled off the crime, then they should do the time.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Germany's Most Wanted List: Another One Bites The Dust

In recent news, one of Germany's most wanted was shot. The wanted brown bear, Bruno, was a fugitive from Italy. He supposedly was wanted for killing cattle in the area but a little investigation leads to other possibilities.

Bruno was killed before he had a chance to speak for himself. This leads one to think there may have been other things going on behind the scene. Manfred Woelfl, the Bavarian state government's bear specialist, may have had a bone to pick with the ill-fated Bruno. It just seems too convenient that he was killed before being able to defend himself. Reports from the scene say Bruno was unarmed and didn't have any weapons in his residence either.

Earlier this month, Bruno seemed to be on edge. During a random interview, he said "They're after me......I don't think I'll make it." Shortly after that interview, Bruno fled to Germany to avoid the Italian death squads pursuing him. He thought he was safe in Germany but little did he know, Manfred Woelfl had connections to the Italian death squads and he would be on the run again. Unfortunately for Bruno, He was shot and some cattle slayings were pinned on him to dirty his once well-received name.

Let's remember Bruno for the kind-hearted gentle bear we all know he really is.

Friday, June 23, 2006

It's Getting Hot in Here!

In recent news, The earth is getting Hot. The Northern Hemisphere is hotter than it's been in over 2000 years. Many experts, like Nelly, agree that it's getting hot in here. Nelly calls for a rather easy solution. He says to take off all your clothes. It only makes sense, if it's hot wear less.

Not everyone has bought into Nelly's theory though. Some groups think the solution is to stop polluting. Groups like FOE are against polluting and use catchy phrases like "Polar Bears are on thin ice because of Global Warming."

What is the real solution? Everyone seems to have their own ideas but here are some of mine:

1. Move the Earth further away from the Sun. With our technology today, this could be possible.

2. Turn Mars into a giant landfill. This would help reduce methane emmissions from our current landfills and no one is there anyways.

3. Nelly's idea. It wouldn't be such a bad thing as long as we conquer the obesity issue first.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

China pleased with US Wargames

In recent news,China is pleased after watching the US wargames. They supposedly are pleased because it will strengthen China and US military ties.........right. The real reason they are "pleased" is they now know how we operate and can plan to overtake us. China has already started an agressive takeover of the US by starting with US-based businesses. China owns quite a few businesses in the US now and it's only a matter of time before they launch the offensive on other battle fronts.

China is the only country capable of competing with the US military. They are also over-populated and need more land to sustain themselves. Their takeover makes too much sense for them not to be considering it. They probably have been bribing the Iraqis to act up so we don't notice their plans.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Miami Heat win the NBA Finals

Yes, the Heat have won the NBA finals after losing the first two games. Wade was the star of the finals this year and was the Heat's best player. This drove the spot-light starved Shaq insane. Shaq said "This is my team, I make us win, I won the championship." When told his statistics compared to Wade's by a reporter, Shaq replied "statistics? who cares about them, they haven't been important to me for almost a whole season now." When Wade was interviewed he said "This is Shaq's team, he is the real MVP" in a very robotic tone as he read his cue cards. Later, Wade said "Shaq is always watching, it's not safe to talk here."

Cuban gave the Heat a standing ovation after the game, which was pretty hard to believe after his antics throughout the finals. Cuban said "yeah, it was hard clapping for those guys, they wouldn't have won against any other team in the NBA, the stupid refs.......conspiracy [edited]." The Billionare then talked about buying every NBA team so he could win a championship. He thought that was the only way with the League officials against him.

When asked about the championship, one Miami resident replied "The Dolphins won? I didn't know the NFL was even started." The interviewer quickly told him it was Miami's basketball team that won a championship to which he said "Basketball is stupid. They need a salary cap. Come back and talk to me when the Dolphins do something." That might be awhile......

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to Adopt Again?

In recent news, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have said that they are planning on adopting another child. Why do Angelina and Brad want to adopt rather than have their own children? Well, it's because neither of them enjoy having sexual intercourse. Shiloh was probably a big mistake that resulted from some drunken fun. Mistakes happen though, and it was a mistake that will probably help the Pitt-Jolie family's image. It will assist in making them appear as if they actually care about something else.

The problem is that they are both too good looking. Rather than be with other people, they would rather stand in front of mirrors and gaze at their own perfection. Jolie doesn't want to have to mess up her body through pregnancy and have to go through the resulting plastic surgery to get her nearly perfect body back and Pitt just flat out is too into himself and his looks to be attracted to another person enough to consumate the relationship.

I'm sure Jennifer Aniston got tired of Pitt's mirror sessions and looked for a relationship that actually involved some communication and love making.

Monday, June 19, 2006

US-Canada Border Security

In recent news, the US-Canada border is a cause for concern. As we saw in a recent article, Canada is a threat to national security. The canadiens have already installed a large spy network in the US by smuggling covert agents like William Shatner, Brendan Fraser and Mike Myers across the border. The covert Canadien agency is headed up by 24 star, Keifer Sutherland and if his TV show is any indicator, we are all in trouble.

Canada is a very intelligent enemy. They have averted our eyes by using Mexico. Yes, that's right, the Canadiens are behind illegal immigration from our sourthern border. No one in the US is even considering Canada as an enemy yet.

What can we do if our Government continues to ignore this imposing threat? We must take action ourselves. We can start by boycotting the films of all Canadien actors. This will cripple their covert agency by limiting it's funding. The next step is to strengthen border security. As the article mentions, we are limited by manpower but we could use other means of security as well. Giant robots or red-necked southerners are some possible options.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Claim Confucius Heritage!!

In recent news, many people are trying to validate their claims that they are related to Confucius. Many feel this is extremely important to because if they are genetically linked to Confucius, it will be easier to pick up chicks in bars. Wang Chang Hung said "It usually first pick-up line I use at bars. Women think Confucius sexy." Indeed it does seem that most women think it is important, it's like celebrity-by-association cool. Hung aso mentioned that he likes to claim he is also related to other famous people if the whole Confucius thing doesn't work.

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."
-Albert Einstein

Saturday, June 17, 2006

US Soccer Team faces elimination

In recent news, the US soccer team is struggling.
U.S. coach Bruce Arena said "I think the players were just confused. They hear these other teams talking about football and they practiced American football instead of soccer." One more loss and the team could be eliminated from the tournement. American fans are outraged. American Bob Smith said "Soccer? Why the hell would I care about that?" His opinion is echoed my manyAmericans back home. This could be a tragic moment in US Sports History if the US teams is eliminated from the tournement.

An American watching the games overseas said "This really sucks. I came all the way over hear and I thought I was going to get to watch some NFL Europe games but instead they're playing some gay sport that I can't even follow." When told the purpose of the games he replied "who cares. Of course Americans suck at soccer, no body grows up and says I want to be a professional
soccer player."

As you can tell, many Americans are dissapointed in the way the US soccer team is playing and it would greatly affect Americans if the team gets eliminated.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Bill Gates Reducing Microsoft Role

In recent news, Microsoft man, Bill Gates has said he wishes to do less. We decided to take a deeper look into the issue and find the real reason behind the move.

When asked why, Gates responded, "I'm rich bitch!" Because of the tone of his reply we could tell there was something he was hiding, something he didn't want anyone to know, a secret so dark, it would destroy him.

After constant pestering, Gates finally admitted he has been seeing "evil" ghosts and having strange dreams. He said in one of his dreams, he witnessed a vast and powerful empire destroyed by wild animals. The great ruler of this empire tried to stop the animals by lighting them on fire. One animal, a fox, grew as the fire consumed it and become too powerful for the ruler to stop.

Gates said the vision had made him paranoid. He also said it could be the drugs but the vision was most likely the cause. He said he will now concentrate on building his own personal militia to combat the wild animals. He plans to start by invading the forests around his own complex and slowly expanding out until all the wild animals of North America were gone, especially those crazy fox.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Evil Canadien Geese Destroying Lake Tahoe

In a recent story, Lake Tahoe pollution has been linked with Canadien geese. Local residents have begun implementing a two phase plan to ensure that this pollution is stopped.

PHASE 1: Offensive Measures
The first step in their brilliant plan is to launch an offensive strike to push the calculating geese back and take control of the battle front. This will be accomplished by having all the residents purchase shotguns and blowing the crap out of the northern flyers. Some residents are hesitant about resorting to violence but will do what is required to protect their beloved lake.

PHASE 2: Hit Them at Their Home
The second phase is to drive them all the way back to Canada. Well, that was the initial plan but why stop there? We know the Canadiens have trained these Geese to do their bidding but our intelligence has yet to gather concrete evidence of these "weapons of mass destruction," so we do not have cause to enter the Evil Empire's (AKA Canada) borders just yet. We will have to wait and see what our intelligence office can turn up.

If we ban together, we can stop this threat before it becomes a nation-wide epidemic!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Breaking News on the Roethlisberger Accident

An earth-shattering development in the Roethlisberger Accident has led Pittsburg officials to the true cause of a horrific accident that left the defending NFL Champion Pittsburg Steeler's Quarterback in a small lonely hospital bed. City officials now believe the person responsible for the crash is Steeler's coach Bill Cowher.

NFL news sites all over have been reporting that Bill Cowher warned Roethlisberger about the dangers of riding a motorcycle. This was a huge mistake. Everyone knows you can't talk about something bad happening or it most definitely will happen.

The Pittsburg Police are currently in a stand-off with the estranged coach and beleive they may be there for quite some time as Coach Cowher seems determined to not give himself up. Cowher has reportedly screamed "It's not my fault. Ben wouldn't listen!! " out of a window of his Pittsburg residence.